Jokes: Week 3

Monday

Unnatural Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I can’t stop passing gas. Luckily, my farts don’t smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted twice since I’ve been here in your office, but you didn’t even notice."

"I can help you," says the doc. "Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week, the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts reek."

The doctor says, "Good, we fixed your sinuses! Now let’s work on your hearing."

Tuesday

A guy is driving through New Mexico when he sees man thumbing for a ride. He pulls over, and the hitchhiker gets in. After a bit of small talk, the hitchhiker notices a brown bag in the front seat.

“What’s in the bag?” he asks.

“It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife,” says the driver.

“Hmm,” says the hitchhiker. “Good trade.”

Wednesday

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to heaven. God greets them and says, “Men, make two lines: one for those who dominated their women and one for those who were whipped. All the women can go with St. Peter.”

After about an hour, God returns to find 2.5 billion men standing in the whipped line and only one guy in the dominant line.

“You men should be ashamed of yourselves!” God cries. “I created you in my image, and all of you cowed down to women? Can any of you explain this?” No one dares says a word.

God then turns to the man standing alone and says, “Tell me, my son, how did you manage to be the only one on this line?”

“I don’t know,” the guy replies. “My wife told me to stand here.”

Thursday

Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other, “Hey, man, it’s getting pretty hot in here.”

“Holy cow!” the other muffin replies. “A talking muffin!”

Friday

Three old men are at a health institute for a memory test.

“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the first old man.

“Two seventy-four,” he replies.

“What’s three times three?” the doctor asks the second old man.

“Tuesday,” he replies.

The doctor figures he’s in for a long morning. He turns to the third old man and asks, “OK, your turn. What’s three times three?”

“Nine,” he replies.

“Yes!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that?”

“Easy, Doc. I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”